edit: i changed the video cos this one’s nice. Postsecret is really inspiring/beautiful and extremely sad at the same time.
one last time. i promise, no more emo lovey-dovey shit after this.
(and i could only say, a big fat a wish)
today on the bus after guitar i told pam about the thing that has been bothering me this whole while. it’s nice to get it off my chest for a bit. i guess listening to other people’s problems do take your attention off your own.
it’s funny how a tiny thing can make you remember something you’d rather forget. or wish for someone who has left. i wonder if i actually listened to my heart instead of my brain more, would things have changed? if cowardliness is just an excuse for not taking risks, then i’d better off be an unfeeling, unthinking entity. sighhh where’s courage when you need(ed) it. sometimes i think keeping everything inside will be better than letting it all out and getting into awkward situations, but then what’s the point in hoping for something to happen in the past when it has already happened.
you’re gone, but i still miss you
:(
sigh anyway today i was totally unmotivated. i only had 2 things on my do do list and i only completed half of the first thing i needed to do. oh well. my parents are now constantly reminding me that i have sats next next month and should get my butt off the procrastination seat and start mugging for them. that’s kinda funny, seeing that they don’t want me to go to america anyway. my mom and i were watching 30 rock yesterday night (or rather, very early today morning) and she said something that was really touching, “new york looks so cold and dangerous… i think you better stay here to study because i’ll get worried”. awwww.
it might be the fact that they have suddenly started to tell me about my baby years that has alerted me to their not wanting to let go. i mean, other teenagers my age find it hard to communicate with their parents because they don’t care/don’t see each other a lot/care but don’t make an effort. but i’m pretty close with my mom (not so much my dad, but still close) so that’s not really a problem. also, about my kid brother. sometimes i can tell he gets down because he get ignored, but that’s only because i’m causing too much trouble/too apathetic so all the adults focus their attention on scolding me. i can tell he’s gonna grow up to be a nice guy. and last but not least my grandma. sometimes she’s a total bitch but since she’s older and has taken care of me and my bro since we were itty bitty babies, we have to forgive her. she PMS soooo much and expects people to do things the moment the order has left her mouth. also she badmouths people to other people and acts all nice in front of the people she’s pissed at. last but not least, i hate the way she wakes me up in the morning by spanking me with a freaking wire hanger – it bloody HURTS. but she cooks yummy food everyday for us (because my mom can’t cook…) and we share common interests (reading newspapers, watching drama serials) and we’re all related by blood, so there’s nothing anyone in my family can do that will make him or her unforgivable, cos that’s the power of love. :)
p.s. not to mention my paternal grandmother is the terrifying one.
Filed under: memories, photo-entry, random, reflective | Tags: emo, life, love
people come and people go. that’s just life i guess. there’s a lesson to be learnt in all of this however; that first of all, small things come to impact you in the hugest, and strangest of ways,. secondly, sometimes you think you’ll be overly sensitive about something, but it turns out that it all doesn’t matter to you in the end anyway. And last of all, live and forget. that should be the way of life.
to think that at this point in time next year, everything will come to a close; high school life and perhaps even the time i spend in singapore (if i’m able to go to america). it’s all happening too fast. as much as i hate to admit, i don’t want school to end. it’s like the time i can play and have fun is passing by in a blur in front of my eyes and i don’t know what i’ve been doing with my time. it’s like you wake up without a single vivid memory of what has happened in the whole of the previous 365 days. and then after another tasteless, bland year, i’ll no longer be safely eschewed from the harsh reality of the outside world. i expect my parents will finally find my existence an eyesore to them and kick me out of the house, or worse still, i’ll go to a foreign western country, never to see my family again.
things like this really scare me. next year i’ll be 18 but i don’t want to be an adult! saying things like “i’m not ready to face the future” and “i want to be a child forever” make me sound selfish and immature but i know once i step out into the working world i’ll be forced to wear a mask for the rest of my life.
people come and people go, relatives grow old and sick and die, strangers become friends and friends become strangers, lovers grow tired and separate, dreams form and get locked inside a precious silver box, never to see the light of the day, you have important memories you want to keep but every single day is like a thin new coat of forgetfulness on the image – sooner or later, you’ll forget everything. life is so cruel. it changes too darned much for us to hold on to anything that really matters.
it’s called indifference.
